Learning to Be Kinder to Yourself: How Compassion-Focused Therapy Builds Self-Compassion & Emotional Resilience

"The mountain never apologises for taking up space. Maybe you don't need to either."

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Learning to Be Kinder to Yourself

A gentle guide to Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)

A quiet beginning..

Hello lovely,

If last week’s words met you somewhere quiet and tender - thank you for sitting with me.

We spoke of how heavy our inner voice can be. Of how we sometimes expect ourselves to be unshakeable, even while healing.

This week, I want to walk beside you a little deeper - into something that’s changed the way I speak to myself. It’s called Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) - and it’s not just a clinical term. To me, it’s a soft rebellion. A shift. A gentle turning towards ourselves… when every old pattern tells us to look away.

This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending we’re fine. It’s about learning how to feel safe within ourselves again - even when life feels loud, or heavy, or deeply uncertain.

So come in. Breathe. Let’s begin here - gently.

"The lake doesn't need to explain its stillness. Neither do you."

What is Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)?

Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) is a therapeutic approach developed by clinical psychologist Dr. Paul Gilbert. It was designed to help people who struggle with chronic shame, anxiety, or self-criticism learn to relate to themselves with compassion instead of judgment. Rather than trying to fix or silence difficult thoughts, CFT helps us respond with understanding - to soften the inner harshness and build a sense of inner safety.

It draws from:

• Mindfulness – being aware without judging

• Attachment theory – how our early relationships shaped our emotional patterns

• Neuroscience – especially the three emotional systems in the brain

The three emotional systems (a gentle science bit)

CFT helps us understand how our brain works emotionally. There are three main systems:

Threat system – fear, anxiety, shame

Drive system – motivation, ambition, striving

Soothing system – safety, connection, calm

Most of us (especially those who are self-critical) live in the first two. CFT helps gently activate the soothing system - the part that brings inner peace, warmth, and compassion.

This is the space where healing becomes possible.

"Still water isn't stuck. It's resting. Reflecting. Becoming clear again."

Why are we so tough on ourselves?

Because we care. Because we want to be better. Because somewhere along the line, we learned that being hard on ourselves was the only way to survive. But research shows that self-criticism activates the threat system, while self-compassion activates the soothing system, lowering cortisol and increasing emotional resilience.

Compassion isn’t weakness. It’s regulation. It’s wiring your nervous system for safety, not shame :)

5 Ways to Practise Compassion-Focused Therapy (in everyday life)

1. Build a compassionate voice

Speak to yourself as you would to someone you love. Tone matters - warmth creates safety.

Try this:

“This is hard right now, but I’m doing my best.” (in a slow, gentle tone - like you’re holding your own heart)

2. Soothe with touch

Place a hand on your heart or cheek.

This activates your parasympathetic nervous system -  sending signals of safety to your brain.

Try this:

“I’m here. I’ve got me.” (say it softly, like you’re reassuring a dear friend - because you are)

3. Pause and name the need

Behind every harsh thought is often an unmet need.

What is it asking for? Rest? Reassurance? Space?

Try this:

“I notice I’m being hard on myself. What do I need right now?”  (ask it with kindness, as if you’re listening to someone you deeply care for)

4. Visualise your Compassionate Self

A part of you is wise, calm, and kind.

You can picture them beside you -  how would they respond to this moment?

Try this:

Journal from their voice. Or speak to yourself gently in the mirror (Yes, I really do this).

5. Let small things be enough

Not everything needs a grand gesture. A quiet cup of tea. A breath. A whispered kind word. This is compassion in motion.

Try this:

“This small moment matters.” (these tiny pauses have saved me on days when I felt like I had nothing else to give - they count more than we think)

"You're allowed to move slowly. You're allowed to stay."

From my heart to yours..

Dear one, there is nothing wrong with you for needing kindness. There is nothing weak about rest, or asking for grace. Your healing doesn’t have to be loud. Sometimes, the most powerful shift is the quiet choice to stay - to soften - to try again with love. You’re not broken. You’re becoming. And every moment you meet yourself with compassion… you’re coming home.

Just a gentle reminder – these thoughts are for personal reflection and growth, not a replacement for therapy or mental health support. If you’re finding things tough, reaching out to a licensed professional can be a really helpful step.

With warmth,

Eva x

"Growth isn't always the climb - sometimes it's sitting up the path, breathing in the stillness and choosing not to quit."

These photos were quietly captured by me around Rydal Cave and nearby in the gentle embrace of the Lake District, UK. They hold moments of stillness, soft light, and peaceful nature- small invitations to breathe, reflect, and be kind to yourself. I hope you enjoy this mindful journey as much as I did.

References & Resources

Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind

Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

Leaviss & Uttley (2015). Compassion-Focused Therapy for mental health: A review of the evidence

Rockliff, H., et al. (2008). A pilot exploration of heart rate variability and salivary cortisol responses to Compassion-Focused Imagery

NHS Mindfulness & Compassion-Based Therapy Research

The Centre for Compassion Research and Training